What do The Wizard of Oz, Yellow Submarine, Akira, Flight of the Navigator, Gremlins, Jurassic Park, Porky’s, Teen Wolf, and Police Academy have in common?

They’re all movies? Yes. Duh. Try again.

They’re all good movies? I think so, but ultimately it’s a matter of preference.

They’re all established pieces of cinematic art? Bingo.

So it seems it’s all the rage now to take old properties and run them through the Hollywood grinder. OK, I can see that in some cases.

Dune? Yeah OK, it wasn’t exactly the greatest movie. (It’s still one of my favorites, but so are Hell Comes To Frogtown and They Live — Rowdy Roddy Piper? You fucking rock, my man.)

OK, Dune definitely could benefit.

But Wizard of Oz? What’s wrong with you people? How on earth can you betray the memory of Judy Garland like that? The magic of the multicolored backdrops? The abject terror of those little flying monkeys? The hanging midget? (Yes, I know it’s just a tree prop) — What about the most important question of all — will it still sync up with my Dark Side of the Moon record?

Flight of the Navigator — imagine this scene:

Now imagine it without the voice of Paul Reubens.

Sacrilege.

I’m not gonna write about any of the others because I don’t want to be angry for the rest of the day.